Image: Arklahomahiker 

Unicorn: Is there any more booze? 

Man: I'm pretty sure that's the last of it. 

Unicorn: Fuck. 

Man: Come on, man. You don't need drink. It's so fucking beautiful up here. Look at the stars for chrissakes.  

Unicorn: Great. Stars. I see them every fucking night. Do you get a hard on for your bedroom ceiling? No. What I'd give for a night of smog. Just a whole sky of grey nothing.  

Man: Maybe you need to get away for a while, bro. Might help you learn to love this place again. 

Unicorn: You fucking people are the worst.  

Man: What fucking people?  

Unicorn: You fucking people.  

Man: I don't know if I follow you there, bro.  

Unicorn: Let me level with you, bro. I'm a unicorn. I didn't choose to be one. In fact, if I had the choice, I would almost certainly choose to be something else, something dull and insignificant and blue-collar, like a maggot or a fucking bee. This horn here isn't just for decoration. It makes me extremely fucking sensitive. I can tell a fucking asshole coming into this park from ten miles away. And every time you come up here, trying desperately to wash yourself of the horrors of your meaningless, plasma-screened, fluorescent-lit life, it's like a goddamn punch in the face.  

Man: Shit, bro. I had no idea. I just-- 

Unicorn: Of course you didn't. That's the problem with you fuckers. Right now I'm guessing you're feeling a heaviness in your torso, a sensitivity to the fact you're steadily pissing away your humanity, that there might not be much left. But tomorrow, you'll wake up and see a fucking double rainbow or something, and you'll come in your pants. Then you'll get in your little fucking car and drive back to your eco-condo reminding everyone how fucking liberating it is to be at one with fucking nature. But, my dear balding, cargo-panted friend, you ain't at one with shit. Every time you come up here, you take a fucking dump on nature's head. And there ain't enough flies in the forest to clean that shit up.  

Man: Sorry, did you say there's going to be a double rainbow in the morning? I've always wanted to see one of those. I saw one in a dream once, but it felt more like double vision. You've got me all excited. I'm gonna call it a night so I can get up nice and early.  

Unicorn: You do that. 

Man: K, thanks bro. Hope you feel better soon. 

Unicorn: Yeah. Thanks.